


frayed

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bad Parabatai Jace Wayland, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s01e03 Dead Man's Party, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Shitty Parabatai Feels, i have love for jace but there's just no denying that he wasn't his best self in s1, it's about a violation of trust not some stupid petty jealousy dammit, to put it lightly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 15:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17810753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: It feels like a betrayal, itisa betrayal. One that Alec never thought Jace capable of.[Alec's POV of his “conversation” with Jace on the rooftop of the Hotel DuMort in 1x03.]





	frayed

**Author's Note:**

> Not the angst I wanted to finish this week but enjoy anyway! I thought this'd be like 300 words but apparently I had more feelings on the matter than I was aware.  
> Also my shit plan of aggressively churning out fics in super short time because I'm lazy and a pro at procrastinating but also don't want to miss my weekly deadline is treating me surprisingly well. I'm still on the fence if I should be impressed or disturbed by myself.
> 
> Dialogue is form the show.

Adrenaline is still rushing through his veins. Their unlikely escape through the door to the roof hasn't really sunken in yet, the bright light of the new day setting Alec on edge after being in the half-dark of the hotel's winding corridors for so long. He's still brimming with tension and agitation, unable to relax. The others stay close to the door but he's too restless to stop moving just yet. His eyes dart around the perimeter but there's nothing save the cloudless blue of a beautiful morning, uninterrupted from buildings this high up. Alec grinds his teeth.

He retraces his steps and climbs the short stairs leading to an elevated part of the roof after Izzy, Jace on his heels. They need to get an overview of the terrain to determine how they're gonna get down again since the hotel's inside is clearly not an option.

Izzy and Jace have other ideas though. They both pause on the landing, watching their two mundane companions. Alec scoffs. He couldn't care less about the tearful reunion between these two who are leaving nuisance territory in favor of quickly and surely becoming real annoyances.

It takes him a second to realize the resentment he feels is not his alone. Jace is following the proceedings with a scowl and crossed arms, and at the sight Alec feels his anger with Jace spike.

He snaps at Izzy when she makes an idle comment about the mundanes. She just sends him a chastising look before turning away, and he decides to redirect his chagrin at the one who caused it. He faces Jace who finally manages to stop staring at Clary, and says in the most civil tone he can muster, “Look, can I just say one thing.”

Jace heaves an annoyed breath before he's even finished his not-question. “You will, whatever I say, so shoot.” His arms are still crossed and he's radiating dismissal with every fiber of his being.

Alec is not sure if anything he says will even get through his eardrums, but he's not going to be deterred by that.

“You think you know Clary, right?” As soon as he says her name he can see what little concession Jace might have felt vanish. He presses on regardless. “But you may not. Think about who her father is--”

Jace interrupts him before he can end his sentence. “ _Do not_ start this again with me, Alec.” Jace's eyes are piercing, with fire and hostility Alec has never seen directed at him before.

Alec wants to laugh, an ugly and desperate laugh, because Jace hasn't been listening to a word he's said on the matter from the beginning. He's not _starting anything again_ , he's trying to get Jace to listen for even the fraction of a moment. It's pointless, he can tell from Jace's demeanour, from the aggressive set of his shoulders, from the cold wall that is their parabatai connection.

But he can't _stop_ , can't stop _reasoning_ like an _idiot_ even though he _knows_ Jace won't listen to a word he says. “She just came out of nowhere, Jace.”

“She has _no one_ ,” Jace counters with feeling, and isn't that the crux of the matter? Jace has been running on instinct for days now and hasn't taken a _second_ to think things through. Of course Clary would appear alone if she wants to invoke trust. Of course she'd appear helpless and harmless and in need of saving. Everything she's been telling them might be true, but it might also be a lie designed to lure them into a deadly trap, and if it is it's been working flawlessly. Why can't Jace just listen to him for a millisecond, just so he can _realize_ this could he a trap, just so they can work out a way to determine if Clary can be trusted or not, just so they can make a plan and not stumble along blindly?

“Just listen to me for one second--”

“ _Alec, stop,_ ” Jace shouts and Alec startles. He doesn't draw back, but it's a near thing.

Silence rings out.

He stares at Jace, and it takes less than a heartbeat for Jace to avert his gaze, to huff out a breath of regret. Alec can feel it through their bond.

But he doesn't apologize.

He rarely does, Alec realizes. Barely ever. He shows contrition and remorse, but he doesn't acknowledge his mistakes with words. It never used to bother Alec, but it does now. He feels it like a thorn in their connection, thrumming and painful and red.

“Just stop,” Jace whispers, voice scratchy as if he'd screamed for three hours instead of three syllables and his gaze is pleading but there's also an undercurrent of finality, of authority that he never had over Alec.

Alec has never felt more distant from his parabatai. He contemplates him, his anger replaced by something colder, firmer. Something less easy to appease. “I'm older than you, Jace. I'm not in your shadow.”

Jace shakes his head. “If you really feel that way about her...”

 _It's not about_ feeling, _it's about not having all the_ facts, _it's about--_

“...why did you help us tonight?”

His words hit Alec like a punch to the face and it's a good thing he's used to getting verbal slaps and hiding all the ways they hurt him. He continues to stare at Jace, unmoving, because more than just feeling distant this feels like he doesn't even recognize him anymore.

How can he ask this.

They are _parabatai._ How could he _not?_

Alec's mouth opens, but no words come out, even though they are crowding on his tongue.

_Because I could never let you go into danger by yourself._

_Because you are my parabatai and loyalty means something to me, even if we disagree._

_Because I love you in more ways than you could ever possibly understand._

Jace is still looking at him questionigly, as if he doesn't know any of this. As if he wasn't there when Alec took an oath of undying devotion to him. As if he didn't return that oath.

Alec can't stand to look at him for another second, so he turns and runs.

His mind is swimming. He feels like he knows nothing anymore.

He thought the one thing he would always be able to count on was Jace. Their commitment to each other, their loyalty to each other, their bond. _Parabatai_.

Being each other's first choice, always.

This feels like a betrayal, this _is_ a betrayal. One that Alec never thought Jace capable of.

He'd thought they were each other's safe place.

Apparently he was wrong.

 


End file.
